“I shouldn’t need validation from others-I should be able to validate myself!”
So often we get the message that we should be able to pick ourselves up, dust off, and move through hard moments alone. I mean, that’s what strength looks like right? There is a circulating misconception that high self esteem means we can repeat mantras to ourselves and instantly feel better and resilience looks like not needing anybody’s help. This indoctrination typically starts young with messaging received from our families, friends, and the communities we live in. It can look like the rushed “You’re fine” after taking a tumble and feeling the tears well up behind our eyes, being told “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” after a comment is made that really stings, or having our feelings completely invalidated or minimized after entrusting our experience with somebody who we thought would make us feel better. These experiences teach us to safeguard our feelings because others don’t know how to handle them and that all we really need is grit and willpower to plow through hard times. The problem is that we are a species that feels emotions deeply and needs to be in connection with others, especially when we are hurting. Without these support beams, the infrastructure of our mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing starts to fracture. The question is not do I need validation from others, but rather, where is the source of my validation and is this a healthy and reliable source?
Think of self-esteem like a solar powered lamp; to glow in the dead of night it needs to bask in the sun’s rays for a substantial period of time. Without the sunlight, there is a brief flicker and then the light goes dark. And holding an artificial light, such as a flashlight, up to the lamp is an insufficient form of long lasting energy. Having low quality social connections leaves us darkened because we need others to hold a mirror that reflects our positive qualities and loveable-ness back to us so we develop the belief that we are worthy of love, joy, and happiness. Getting our validation from people who have a unhealthy relationship with themselves, use abusive tactics, or have ulterior motives that are self-serving also leads to a quick burn out of our light because we cannot draw light from those who also extinguish us. Signs that we are seeking validation from unhelpful sources includes feeling worse after the conversation instead of better; the urge to break eye contact, change the topic of conversation, or leave the physical space; when the conversation dissolves into conflict or the other person makes themselves the focus of attention; and minimization of our feelings or experience.
In contrast, healthy sources of validation will make time and space to listen while being gentle with their words and body language. Someone who can give you undivided attention, offer a word of encouragement, and maintain physical contact in a way that is appropriate to the relationship is somebody who is deserving of our time and vulnerability. It’s healthy to bask in the glow when others shine light on all of our positive traits rather than our imperfections. Try to locate these individuals in your life and make a mental or physical list of who they are so you can reach out during painful or lonely moments. Remember that your desire to seek comfort and feel seen is a primal human need and serves to connect individuals and their communities. You are deserving of warmth, understanding, and safety and don’t have to go it alone.