One thing I regularly come across in my practice is nervousness and dread due to the anticipation of having a tough conversation with a loved one. Someone may be delivering bad news, wanting to promote a change within the relationship, or speaking up about a past hurt that was not fully resolved. It’s common to have been on the giving and receiving end of these difficult conversations and I find that even the most assertive and well put together people struggle with this task. As humans we long for connection and it’s natural to feel nervous about the potential disruption that may occur. I’ve put together a list of tips that may help quiet the nerves and lead to increased confidence the next time you find yourself in this situation.
· Rehearse the conversation: studies have shown that when we mentally or physically rehearse an activity/conversation our brain responds as if we are actually doing it. Then when the spotlight is on, the same brain structures will activate and it will feel as if we have already done the thing we are dreading (Stanford, 2018). Practicing the lead in to the conversation, responding to anticipated questions, and visualizing how you may pause a conversation that’s too emotionally charged are great ways to ensure that you feel more prepared.
· Soft start-up: John Gottman, an esteemed Couples therapist and researcher, states that “Ninety-four percent of the time, the way a discussion starts determines the way it will end.” If we approach a person with criticism, blame, and a harsh tone they are likely to become defensive or aggressive in return. A soft start up involves gently describing the situation you would like to discuss, using I statements, being mindful of tone of voice and other nonverbal cues, and refraining from name calling and black and white thinking (i.e “You never help me around the house”) (Lisitsa, 2013). Taking a moment to breathe, reminding yourself of the purpose of the conversation, and making sure your body is relaxed is a good way to lead in with a soft start-up.
· Verbalize intention/goals of the discussion: I’ve found that it is helpful to clearly articulate the intention motivating our actions or outline goals for the discussion so the other party has a clear understanding of the purpose of the conversation. Naming goals can help keep the conversation focused as well as decrease the potential for blame and defensiveness. Sentence frames may include statements such as “I hope…”, “My goal is…” and “I’m wanting to…”
· Use “I statements”: I statements are an essential component of healthy communication and increase the likelihood that our messages are clear, concise, and non-blaming. When we use I statements, we are conveying what we think and feel rather than making assumptions or accusations about the other. When we speak from our own experience we cultivate trust and understanding which leads to stronger relationships and connectivity to others. Some examples of I-statements include “I feel _____ when _____ happens”, “I’m noticing that when you say _____, I feel _____” and “My understanding is that _____.” Beware of insults that are hidden as I-statements. For example, saying “I feel like you are a jerk!” is not an I-statement because although all of the components of an I-statement are present, it is actually an insult which is likely to ignite rather than defuse conflict.
· First outline the facts of the situation: It can be helpful to start the conversation by introducing the facts of the situation. Keep in mind that emotions are not facts, although they may feel like they are. Stick to describing the date, time, people present, and other key points of the situation without implementation of motives or opinions. For example, if you want to talk with a family member about chronic lateness you may say something to the effect of: “A few weeks ago you told me that you would be home by 6 PM so we could have dinner together, but for the last three nights you haven’t come home until 7:30.”
· Agree to pause or take time outs if the discussion becomes too heated: It is common for emotions to escalate during difficult conversations, especially when someone is indicating that change needs to occur or ending a relationship. Before the conversation starts, decide on a word or hand signal that can be used to indicate that a 5-10 minute time out needs to be taken to de-escalate. Although seemingly simple, this is a crucial step because when emotions flare up, the part of the brain responsible for rational thinking and problem solving shuts down which hinders the person’s ability to compromise, create a timeline, or take a different perspective. It is ineffective and harmful to the relationship to try to push through moments of extreme emotion. Have an agreement that at any point in time, either person can give the signal and take some time to step away to ground themselves prior to moving forward in the conversation.
· Use grounding materials: If you’re prone to feeling anxious or detached from the present moment during difficult conversations, it can be helpful to use materials that stimulate the senses throughout the conversation. Materials that act as good tools include playdoh, fidget toys, paper and coloring materials, origami paper, fuzzy blankets, and a favorite hot or cold drink.
· Apologize when needed: All relationships are a delicate dance of rupture and repair meaning that it’s not a matter of if, but when we will say or do something that upsets the other person. Moments in which we realize we’ve said or done something hurtful are opportunities to demonstrate accountability, integrity, and care for the other person. It can be extremely vulnerable and uncomfortable to apologize, but it is one thing we can do to show love for that person and nurture the relationship. When you feel ready to apologize, make sure that you speak clearly, maintain eye contact to the best of your ability, and be specific about what you did that hurt the other. Lead in with the phrase “I am sorry that I _________; I recognize how hurtful that must have been for you” and refrain from saying “I’m sorry if you felt hurt” or “I’m sorry you felt that way.” That is a passive apology that evades ownership and does little to mend the damage that was done. Remember that saying sorry does not give the other person the go ahead to be unkind or re-hash the original argument so it is okay to set a boundary and end the conversation after the apology if needed.
My hope is that with these tools you will feel more prepared and confident in your ability to convey what you want and need in a manner that is clear, concise, and demonstrates care for the other person/relationship. If additional guidance is needed, consider acquiring more research and tools from trusted sources such as the Gottman Institute or call for an initial therapy appointment.
References
Lisitsa, E. (2013, March 15). How to Fight Smarter: Soften Your Start-Up. The Gottman Relationship Blog, Retrieved March 12, 2020 from https://www.gottman.com/blog/softening-startup/
Stanford (2018, February 16). Mental Rehearsal Prepares Our Brains For Real World Actions. NeuroscienceNews. Retrieved March 12, 2020 from http://neurosciencenews.com/mental-rehearsal-action-8505/